Image Credit: HBO
George R.R. Martin creates incredible characters and then murders them. Here are the Game of Thrones characters I want to see dead by the end of season 7.
SPOILER WARNING: I am not the Three-Eyed Raven. I can not see the future. I may however by dumb luck guess what’s going to happen in season 7 of Game of Thrones. If that happens I don’t want to hear you complain about spoilers and I expect you to treat me as the future seeing prophet of wisdom that I am.
LANGUAGE WARNING: I use naughty words in this post. If you’re offended by naughty words don’t read this post, also don’t watch Game of Thrones.
Major characters are going to die in season 7, this is Game of Thrones after all. So with that in mind here are the characters I would most like to see leave Westeros forever.
10. Jorah Mormont
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Jorah, also known as Ser Friend Zone, needs to die. Jorah is the worst, all he does is mope around and pine for Daenerys. Look, bro, everyone loves Dany. Dany is the Taylor Swift of Westeros. Everyone loves Dany and she has it all, fame, wealth, riches, a legitimate claim to the Iron Throne, and goddamn dragons.
The problem is that Jorah is a middle aged man obsessed with Daenerys H. Stormborn-Mother-of-Dragons-Breaker-of-Chains Targareyen Jr., a star who is half his age. Imagine a middle-aged man alone at a Taylor Swift concert, how creepy is that image? That’s Jorah at this point.
On top of all of this, Jorah has Game of Thrones rock herpes and is either turning into a statue or going insane. Jorah already being insane though may help prevent that fate.
In season 6 Dany orders Jorah to go off and find a cure for greyscale so that he can return to her side, but this is the last thing I want. Jorah back at Dany’s side is just going to be more pining and more pitiful Sir Friend Zone. Besides if Jorah was by Dany’s side and returned to his lordship he would usurp one of the best characters in Westeros.
Lyanna Mormont is the damn truth and has more balls than Sir Friend Zone ever thought about having. Lyanna Mormont doesn’t give a shit about Danny or Taylor Swift. Lyanna is here to kick ass and chew gum, and she’s all out of gum.
Image Credit: HBO
9. Littlefinger
I don’t want to see Littlefinger die because he’s a bad guy, I just want him to die because I’m sick of his crap. Littlefinger and his Westerosi Ponzi scheme are just getting old.
Littlefinger has been a device for Game of Thrones‘ conflict since season 1. “Oh, snap, Littlefinger betrayed X and now that lets Y happen!” It was fun when Littlefinger turned on Eddard Stark because it was shocking, and let’s be honest Eddard was just too dumb to live. There’s nothing shocking about Littlefinger’s games anymore though.
We all now that Littlefinger is not to be trusted, and by now everyone in Westeros should know that too. In order to trust Littlefinger after he has betrayed so many people and houses you’d have to be an absolute moron, you know, like one of the Stark kids.
The Littlefinger loves Sansa thing is also creepy. It’s not Ser Friendzone loves Westeros Taylor Swift creepy yet, but it’s getting there.
What really bugs me about Littlefinger though is that so many of his plays don’t seem to make sense. Chaos is a ladder? OK fine, but a ladder to where? It made sense to betray the Starks for the Lannisters, and maybe it made sense to betray the Lannisters for the Boltons, but now we are back to the Starks. If Littlefinger was on social media he’d be that guy posting memes of Heath Ledger’s Joker and talking about how edgy he is.
Littlefinger is the original edgelord of Westeros, and for that, he needs to die.
Image Credit: HBO
8. The Sand Snakes
The Sand Snakes are great characters in the books, but there’s no saving them on Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones has taken the Sand Snakes and turned them into cartoons, not just any cartoons either, they are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They are just radical teens each with a crazy unique weapon on a mission of revenge being led by their very own Splinter in Ellaria.
"Obara’s the leader in tan, Does anything it takes for her ninjas in sand Nymeria has the most attitude on the team Tyene, she’s one of a kind, And you know just where to find her when it’s prison cell party time Master Ellaria taught them every single skill they need To be one lean, mean, tan incredible team Teenage Mutant Ninja Sand Snakes Teenage Mutant Ninja Sand Snakes Teenage Mutant Ninja Sand Snakes Snake power!"
My disappointment in these failures is hard to express. I was so excited to see what the show would do with the Sand Snakes and what I got were some of the worst acted and written characters in the series.
The Sand Snakes need to die, preferably in appropriately disappointing ways.
Image Credit: HBO
7. The Clegane Brothers
Is anyone else completely sick of hearing about the Cleganebowl? IT’S NOT CONFIRMED YOU ASSHAT. IT’S NOT AT ALL CONFIRMED. I am not hype, I’m not hype at all. I am not hype on a plane. I am not hype on a train. I am not hype for the bowl Clegane.
The Cleganebowl is the perfect example of the worst thing about Game of Thrones, it’s a tease. Game of Thrones teased us with dragons and Danny coming to Westeros for six seasons. Every trailer was LOOK AT THESE DAMN DRAGONS AND GET HYPE! Then the dragons sat around and didn’t’ do anything all season long. Now the dragons and Danny are finally coming to Westeros and we are going to get some hot dragon on ice zombie action, and of course, all people want is the Cleganebowl.
First off the brothers already fought, all the way back in season 1. Secondly, one of the brothers is already dead and turned into the Frankenstein’s monster of King’s Landing. The other brother is busy hanging out with the totally pointless until someone needs us to explain how ice zombies can be killed Los Pepe’s death squad of Westeros.
I’m sick of Cleganebowl and I want one of these two to really die so we don’t have to hear about it anymore. If you’re still focused on Cleganebowl with everything else going on you probably also love The Fast and the Furious movies, you poor dumb bastard.
Image Credit: HBO
6. Gendry
I need some closure. Game of Thrones has a thousand different threads and does an incredible job weaving them all together to create an amazing story, so why did we drop the ball on Gendry?
Gendry has been out at sea in a row boat for at least four years now. The survivors of the Essex turned to cannibalism after a few weeks at sea, so if Gendry does show back up alive he’s at least going to have chewed off his fingers.
It would be lovely to imagine that Gendry is going to show back up claim his birthright as a Baratheon and end up with his lady Arya Stark. The problem is that this is Game of Thrones, and happy endings don’t happen in Westeros. Feel free to give me your tinfoil theory on why Gendry and Arya end up on the Iron Throne in the comments. The dark god of prose George R.R. Martin laughs at your optimism. Game of Thrones wasn’t made great by happy endings, let’s get rid of even the possibility of one here.
Let’s not overthink this one, we don’t need much. A shot of Gendry’s bloated body floating in the waves as Danny’s fleet makes landfall will be enough.
Image Credit: HBO
5. Reek
Reek was a wonderfully evil and inept villain when he was Theon Greyjoy. He was also important in showing us just how sadistic and crazy Ramsay Bolton was. However, he’s just the most emo eunuch in Westeros.
Reek is just really into the goth scene and pensive looks right now. You wouldn’t understand what’s it’s like to be as goth as Reek. Reek knows about darkness and shops excursively at Hot Topic, though he never pays the iron price. Reek has all the life of a Radiohead album.
Every scene with Reek is now just him looking around nervously and talking about why things are a bad idea. There’s no vengeance in his eyes, only sadness. Reek is just a cold northern island mope producing sad sack music and being weird… OMG Reek is Bjork!
Reek is now only holding Yara back from being a badass Viking leader and f**king the tits off things. Reek needs to get gone.
Image Credit: HBO
4. Cersei
Cersei is the Forrest Gump of Game of Thrones. No matter what she does things keep going her way and she keeps moving up the ladder. I’m surprised Cersei hasn’t met LBJ yet. Sure all her kids died, but she knew that was going to happen. In the end, there she is sitting on the Iron Throne as Queen of the Iron Islands and the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.
Of course, if Cersei is Forrest that makes Jamie her Jenny. They really do go together like peas and carrots after all. Crazy incestuous murdering Lannister peas and carrots.
The reason Cersei has been able to survive despite her doing completely idiotic things is that the people around her, like Ned Stark, Robert Baratheon, Joffrey, and the High Sparrow were even dumber than she was. Now that they are all gone perhaps some of Cersei’s actions will have a consequence.
The problem with wanting Cersei to die is that she probably isn’t, at least not yet. Cersei is one of the last really love to hate character we have in the game. Joffrey, Ramsay, ever Walder Frey are all dead now. Game of Thrones loves a good love to hate character, so I expect the show will use Cersei as the last of these. Sure the Night’s King is a bad guy, but he’s too alien to be that love to hate figure.
As much as I want Cersei to die this season she’s probably going to live on.
Image Credit: HBO
3. Jon Snow
Jon Snow has already died once and then on the third day he… wait, that’s the wrong story. Jon Snow is the back from the dead anointed saviour of Westeros, the new King in the North, a brooding heartthrob, and the predicted by the masses of the internet final winner of the Iron Throne. I don’t care, I still want him dead… again.
My biggest problem with Jon is that he’s boring. Jon Snow is George R.R. Martin’s Frodo. He’s a completely dull and boring main character in a fantasy world so incredible and so full of vibrant and wonderful characters that you almost don’t notice how bland he is. Jon Snow even has his very own fat Sam sidekick!
The other problem I have with Jon Snow is that he’s just as dumb as Ned Stark, but with fewer convictions. Ned Stark might have been too dumb to live, but he would sure as hell have chopped the head off that Tammy Faye Bakker religious snake oil red witch Melisandre for burning up poor Shireen.
The other bonus to Jon Snow dying again would be the absolute meltdown the legions of Jon and Danny fans would have. Now that truly would be a battle more epic than the Battle of the Bastards.
Image Credit: HBO
2. Sansa
Sansa is my least favorite character in Game of Thrones. That’s because Sansa is the worst. Sansa regularly contributes to other people getting killed because she’s selfish. Ned Stark might have been dumb, but Sansa running off to the Lannisters because she wanted to be queen is what killed him.
Sansa will do and believe anyone about anything if it lines up with what she wants. Sansa is the annoying rich girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but instead of getting herself sent down to the incinerator she ends up harming everyone else.
Maybe Sansa is about to see the light and not fall for Littlefinger’s ploys, or maybe she’s going to stay true to form and turn on Jon because she’s jealous and petty.
All of the Stark kids have talents that they bring to the table. Bran sees the future, Jon leads men with brooding looks, Arya is a ninja assassin. The only thing Sansa brings to the table is failure. I can tolerate when the other Starks do dumb things because at least they are honorable and sometimes useful, but Sansa isn’t honorable, she’s just pathetic, easily manipulated, and selfish. Sansa is the worst and for the sake of the other Stark children, she needs to die.
screengrab from Game of Thrones
1. Sansa Again
Yeah killing Sansa once isn’t enough. So here’s what I would like to happen. Sansa dies and then the Melisandre shows up and brings her back from the dead. That’s when Arya realizes that Sansa is the real reason her father is dead and kills her for putting that demonic Backstreet boy Joffrey over her own family. Arya putting a final end to Sansa’s bullshit would be the most satisfying death in all of Game of Thrones.
Arya is the best Stark.
Now, I’m sure my wanting certain fictional characters to die in a series that’s all about fictional characters dying has upset some fans. So if you’d like to send me hate mail you can at banditref@gmail.com or you can find me on Twitter as @banditref.
Next: 30 Predictions for Game of Thrones Season 7
This was my list, but who do you want to see die this season? Let us know on Facebook or in the comments below.