HBO
Which of these television gangsters would you want to risk having a brew with on St. Patrick’s Day?
Primetime television is rife with hoodlums. Being on the wrong side of the law has way more cons than it does pros (see what I did there?), but one thing it does have going for it is some interesting characters.
So with St. Patrick’s Day just around the bend, let’s take a look at which of the many television gangsters on your on-demand or streaming service you’d want to saddle up and have a pint with on St. Patrick’s Day.
Nucky Thompson (Steve Buscemi from HBO’s Boardwalk Empire)
Now if you’re drinking with Nucky on St. Patrick’s Day, you better believe that this isn’t gonna be a “paint the town red” kind of evening. Absolutely not. This meeting will be one of sophistication and of discretion. One with light conversation discussing the Atlantic City Boardwalk’s ongoings.
And the drink poured will probably not be a pint, but some wine or a Manhattan. Do not expect a long night either. Considering that this is Prohibition, Nucky will definitely have business to attend to. However, keep things brief and you may not have to worry about footing the bill (especially if the meet-up involves political matters – gotta keep up appearances)
Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini in HBO’s The Sopranos)
With the announcement of The Many Saints of Newark, there will be more Sopranos to be had. Until then, however, you’re going to have a damn good night with Tony. The evening will likely start off at the Bada Bing, but who knows where it will go? You’ll either stay there and enjoy the “entertainment” or you’ll hit Newark for a night on the town that may or may not include a poker game with Frank Sinatra Jr.
Just be ready to have some ribbing done to you. Tony’s known for tossing those zingers and you better show him you can handle it. I wouldn’t worry about any panic attacks, but get enough booze in him and he may reflect sentimentally on his late steed, Pie-O-My.
You show that you can hang, he’ll make sure you’re taken care of, for this night and many more to come. Be wary if Uncle Junior’s looming around, though. Sure, he may be family, but blood doesn’t always appear thicker than water when you’re fighting over who’s in charge.
Chibs Telford in (Tommy Flanagan in FX’s Sons of Anarchy)
While drinking with any member of SAMCRO on Saint Patrick’s Day could provide quite the wild night, Chibs will be all about having a good time without any drama. Being Ireland born, it only seems fitting you share a pint of Guinness with the guy. Although, I’m sure he doesn’t care what you have as long as you’re willing to cut loose and not cause problems.
Plus, if you’re looking for a television gangster who you can B.S. while in a rowdy biker bar, Chibs is the most likely of SAMCRO to keep things level. You know Tig & Bobby will go off the rails at some point, but Chibs has drinking in his Irish blood. This isn’t his first steel horse rodeo. He knows a good cut-off point and will make sure you (a) get home safe and (b) not do something stupid (at least to the club — yourself might be a different story).
Patrick Kuby (Bill Burr in AMC’s Breaking Bad)
Working for Saul Goodman, you better have a sense of humor and who will have a sense of humor better than one of his henchmen, Kuby?
Played by comedian Bill Burr, Kuby has to deal with Saul’s snake-oil salesmen talk on a regular basis. That, whether you’re being paid well or not, has to be aggravating. Kuby is going to have to let off some steam and you better believe it his will be peppered with wisecracks and expletives. And being from Boston, you know that Kuby has tied a few pints on at Fenway.
Mike Ehrmantraut (Jonathan Banks in AMC’s Better Call Saul)
Now this one’s a tough sell — for Mike I mean. That stone-faced exterior is going to be a hard one to crack, even on St. Patrick’s Day. Mr. Ermantrout isn’t the most friendliest of characters. This pint might have to come with a little payment on your end and you better have a good reason to start the conversation in the first place.
All things considered, if you get Mike to loosen up, you could be in store for some one-of-a-kind stories. Certainly not ones that would endanger his family but maybe he has some yarns to spin regarding his early days on the Philly police force. Or at the very least, he might give you some sage advice — one of which to finish the beer and leave him alone.
Boyd Crowder (Walton Goggins in FX’s Justified)
Boyd Crowder is the wild card of this list. Being a wordsmith criminal, Harlan County’s most notorious lawbreaker is a master manipulator, but just be willing to play the game. Then you’re in for a very interesting evening in rural Kentucky.
Boyd is a character among characters and I’m sure if you mean no harm, he’ll do no harm. Just don’t let him sweet talk you into anything fishy. He’s a big fan of explosives so that could be a major red flag of partying with him, but as long as you keep to that one drink (chase that pint down with a shot of bourbon at most) consider yourself justified in association.
Be sure to avoid anything that appears to be Mags Bennett’s “Apple Pie” — that stuff will kill ya.
Gus Fring (Giancarlo Esposito in AMC’s Better Call Saul)
I’m going with the Gus with less blood on his hands and that’s the Better Call Saul version of Gus. At this juncture, the manager at Los Pollos Hermanos is undoubtedly a criminal, but he’s yet to “break as bad” as the one that Walter White meets. He’s still a spring chicken at the drug kingpin game, meaning he could be more approachable on St. Patrick’s Day.
Only expect him to talk about the fast food business though. There’s no chance in Albuquerque that you’re going to get any hint that this guy deals in the chicken bucket drug trade. If you’re lucky enough, however, you could get treated to a home-made meal by the man. He’s shown before that he is a master cook of not just meth, but dinner too.
Tommy Donnelly (Jonathan Tucker in NBC’s The Black Donnellys)
Having a pint with Tommy may be more of a sympathy drink than anything else. Why? The Black Donnellys was only on for a season at NBC (the first season actually didn’t even get to see a full run.) Even so, the stress that Tommy had to go through during that time had to amount to at least three seasons of George dealing with his parents on Seinfeld.
He was a small-time crook that leads his brother’s family, and that comes with some responsibilities. Juggling the lives of three brothers all with their respective issues is no easy task. The oldest is a druggie with a hot temper, the middle is a degenerate gambler and his kid brother Seanny is the one the family’s trying to keep criminally clean.
So considering that you’d be doing Tommy a favor if you’d have a drink with him on St. Patrick’s Day. In return, you’ll get genuine appreciation and at least three Irish fellas willing to defend you in a bar fight.
Omar Little (Michael K. Williams in HBO’s The Wire)
“You come at the king, you best not miss.” Omar is like the Wolverine of stick-up men in that he’s the best at what he does, but what he does isn’t very nice. Still, there’s nothing like a stick-up man with a gentle side. Out of any of the criminals on The Wire, you might have the safest (and perhaps most interesting) time with Omar on St. Patrick’s Day. Being a guy who robs from drug dealers, he’ll be plenty full of stories to tell.
He also has to have some pretty sound advice when roaming the mean streets of West Baltimore (preferably without a shotgun). Omar might have the cash on him, but I’d say treat the guy to a pint — considering he’s probably going to be the one looking out for you (that’s if you’re innocent).
Hesh Rabkin (Jerry Adler in HBO’s The Sopranos)
It’s tough to keep your head above water when cement shoes are involved. Hesh has done it. You have a drink with him on St. Patrick’s Day, you are going to be in store for an evening of education in surviving the organized crime world. You’ll also hear some top-notch stories.
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Hesh is a longtime friend and partner of the Soprano family which means you’ll get some insight into the world of not just Tony Soprano, but his dad too. It’s a wiseguy history lesson like no other.
Not only that, but Hesh races horses and ran a record label. Add that he’s pretty funny to boot and it sounds like one guy you’ll want to pick the brain of on St. Patrick’s Day.