House of Cards season 6, episode 6 recap: Chapter 71

The president is preggers and those who have Claire figured out are eliminated on House of Cards.

Friends, House of Cards has officially jumped the shark in “Chapter 71.” I know what you’re thinking.

“Didn’t it jump the shark when Frank appointed his own wife, with very little experience, Vice President?”

I guess you can say yes to that. But if that didn’t seem too far-fetched, the storyline that showrunners are running with now is half-way-around-the-world-fetched.

Claire is pregnant. But did she ever even have sex with Frank? Like ever? Maybe a few times in their 30-year-marriage. But I’m pretty sure the real Baby Daddy was being kept on ice in Mark Usher’s home for the last five months or so.

Anyway, more on this in the next two recaps because, I have a lot to say about this lazy plotline.

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Doug shows up to Tom’s house to find it has been ransacked, and also finds his dog by himself. I’m not sure why Doug is even there, but he takes Tom’s dog. I mean, whatever at this point. Nothing in these subplots are even interesting anymore.

Back at the White House, Claire makes a statement about the abortion she had while married. She explains that she and Francis always wanted a family, but at 16 weeks, the doctors told her the fetus wasn’t viable and that she had to terminate.

Shortly after, she meets with her new cabinet, who is creepily all dressed in shades of grey and slate. It looked like something out of a Handmaid’s Tale. I’m sure there is a reason the director didn’t want pops of color in the scene, but I am exhausted trying to figure things out at this point and frankly, don’t care what it symbolizes. If it’s just a coincidence, then it’s lazy.

Mark Usher is blocked from this meeting. He won’t resign, even though Claire wants him to. I’m tired of him as well.

Meanwhile, Bill Shepherd is definitely sick. He’s even trying experimental treatments. I think he may have cancer, but no one says exactly what he has – it’s all very vague. Annette is taking care of him and mentions Duncan still isn’t speaking to her. But dear old Uncle Bill doesn’t care. What a swell guy!

Claire finally lets Jane come back from Saudi Arabia but tells her she’s blacklisted from working with any other agency. Boy, did this relationship go south quickly! I don’t even understand why. Again, maybe I’m just bored by these subplots, but I don’t understand why happened to Jane the last two episodes.

Anyway, Jane sees Mark and urges him to resign and get away from Claire, who is now Claire Hale, by the way. Of course, he doesn’t listen to her, because, why would he? Jane is back in the Oval Office to try to explain to Claire why Mark is the way he is.

Back when he worked on Congressman Coles’ campaign, he tried to make a girl Cole was having an affair with go away. And she did go away; she killed herself. And Mark has never been the same. Claire is unamused.

It turns out that Doug’s therapist, who he beat up in the last episode, is best friends with Bill Shepherd. (And was on Claire’s payroll?) Bill tries to use this to get Doug to come to their side and bring down both Claire and Frank. But Doug wants none of it because he is still protecting Frank.

Doug is also in cahoots with Tom and Janine, so he’s literally playing all sides at this point. Doug final admits without being on the record, that he killed Rachel and that Frank killed Zoe. “I am never going to tell you that Francis killed the three of them: Zoe, Russo, and LeAnn. But you already know the truth.”

Mark calls Jane to check on her, but she’s in some weird assisted suicide chamber. What? Why? How? Did Claire put her there? This doesn’t make sense to me.

Then, Claire visits Tom because she finds out Doug met with him. But he won’t be “charmed” by Claire and tells her expects to interview her on the record. Big mistake man. No one tells this nutjob what to do.

This is when the episode attempts to be a Coppolian Godfather (which, ahem, it will never be) with a death montage.

We see Jane dead in her chamber. Cathy gets shot to death. (What was even the point of her faking her own death?!). And Tom, which his dog, gets shot execution-style in what is made to look like a robbery. We know it’s not though.

I just have to roll my eyes at this because what do these deaths even prove at this point? These are the people who have figured Claire out? So, all we have left to take her down are the Shepherds? BORING.

In other “this could have been much better” storyline news, Duncan’s birth mother is actual Annette’s former housekeeper. Why couldn’t he have been Frank and Annette’s love child? He could have been Frank’s heir! So, in the next scene, when Claire tells Doug she is carrying Frank’s heir, there could be an actual struggle in the last couple of episodes.

Maybe they should have brought me on as a writer.

Read the recap for House of Cards Season 6, Episode 5.

Watch House of Cards anytime.